Social obigations (The cups left unkissed)

My midnight musings got me scribble in the "Social Obligations" tonight and my running year resolute to dealing with it in a better way. I think about all those years back in school. Growing up dreaming from one corner of my classroom, just a Nobody doubting whether she would ever make it to the other side of that room ever. And then I think of myself Today, still wondering the same.

These were the most painful days, with everyone gone I would think over if all these restless and anxious nights, someday would be worth it or not. The society sets hegemonic structures for everyone. The term Hegemony refers to the controlling social and cultural ideologies. These structures are ruling since forever predefining notions on how things are to be done by all and sundry. When in a small town the girls are not allowed to go out of the house after 9:00pm where as the boys can stay overnight at their friends house. They are still struggling with the blue n the pink colour. I sometimes wonder why the society has to (or should i say NEEDS to) validate your undertakings at every step be it being a successful person or a looser ?

So, instead of living obligatorily when you choose yourself over social standards you tend to become apprehensive, your fear let-downs. It is not easy but then no one said it would be, I may fail terribly or I may reach my purpose but I will learn. One can never know that he can win, until he is only left with the choice of winning.

I never knew what I wanted from life until very late. It took me twenty three years to apprehend my abilities and make my passion for the same to assert the presence of my insignificant self in this universe. Society never stopped me it only elicited my sense of self, and I embarked on this journey to self-discovery. It never should be an end to yourself rather a new beginning for what you are and what you want to be.

And, I have never felt this alive before!

THE UNSPOKEN-CLINCHES@22

How many of us have felt we have been socially and mentally obligated to do or be something we didn't want to at the time? How many times did you repeat the same mistake you swore you would never repeat? How many times you did something to impress someone just to find out that it didn't really matter to them? We all have done this at some point of life. Let's accept this. There are things and situations that are always "UNSPOKEN", because of one reason "Koi kya kahega ya kya soochega?", but non of us actually knows that who exactly is that "Koi?" Not only this i have done a lot of stuff to be socially the best! Had the best pictures on the social networking sites(one in a million), never dressed inappropriately at the parties(spending almost a month's salary! Yes, i have done this).

There are a lot of things that remain "Unspoken" by me which includes how badly it effected me when my boy friend ignored me in the name of work, friends, family or T.V. shows. Without even realizing the fact that i wait for the complete day just talk to him for few minutes, i never dared to explain him what i go through as i never wanted things to get messed up. But the fact is no one care, neither do i now(and i am happy being single now, it's the best feeling).

Even at work there were so many incidences, ideas being crumbled in my head and i knew that a confusing theory would be spilled out that wouldn't make any sense to me as well as the person hearing and reading it. It went like this. Before i bring this on, please know that this a completely personal choice and any other different opinion to mine is met with absolute respect from my end. I don't mean to put anyone down or hint anyone's lifestyle. So please don't take it against me. I do feel that the metamorphosis in my personality and in my perception of matter has been so different to my peers.

Few days back during our training sessions at office, i and one of my colleagues had fallen into an argument where she started abusing me and telling me that she would hit me back if i don't agree with her. I mean can't two people have different opinions about something? All i wanted to ask her was" Are you serious ? ", I looked again for a couple of seconds before i opened my mouth. Didn't know what to say and have never understood the fact that by raising your voice or throwing your hands at someone would the things be proven correct? If i was at her place I, probably, wouldn't made the same. But could i have done the same? Probably not. I have never seen anything like this in my family or school and cannot even thank them enough for that.

I agree to the fact that there can never be a " i won" situation, every where you go, but i often get a sneak peak of the relaxation when even i get a though that may be i am the toughest soldier of God that is why i get the hardest situations. Another incidence took place a day before yesterday, when due to some technical issues our office cabs couldn't be arranged for the pick ups of employees. Hence one of my colleagues was asked to pick me and two other girls in his car. He was late because of some problem in his family or cab not sure hence i texted one of my female colleagues that where exactly they have reached but in return she reacted in such an offensive manner, which took me shock, and made me wonder what bad did i ask her? Meanwhile, when i was trying to get an answer for the same, the guy gave me a call and on the top of his voice was asking me that where exactly my house is? Never understood what does it costs people to be a little mannered?

Anyways, i have come up with decision to be happy with people who actually matter. Please myself so that my carefree radiant life can share the happiness to the ones around me and not situational or momentary smiles. So, guys all i want to say is that speak the unspoken, just like i did here, not for others but to get the answers for you and your questions.

The Last Day-Work !

It recalls me of a saying by Anais Nin, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born". 
The night before I left office for hostel my throat had a gulp of tears and emotions. I had that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, and even though it was the middle of July, my hands were cold and clammy. As we pulled out of the parking slot in the cab, I watched my office building getting farther and farther away. I gripped my handbag and sobbed all the kilometers to hostel.
A lot of thoughts revolved in my mind like a rollercoaster. Was I insane? Why did I choose to put down my papers? How can I forget to fill  my examination form last year? But I knew this was not the time to reevaluate my decisions. I kept wiping my tears and telling myself it was decision to ËXPAND MY HORIZON" in education.
As I reached, and changed myself in a night suit , went to the bed and forced myself to sleep.

Work life is great. Yes, there are a lot of changes as you enter a world of procrastination, cramming and lack of sleep. There are many things to get used to, like working on a floor with sixty people, grow and become strong with time.

Gladden@22.

        It was my day off from work, I went into the back drawing-room. It was a dark rainy evening and there was no sound in the hostel. Through one of the broken panes I heard the rain impinge upon the earth, the fine incessant needless of water playing in the sodden beds. Some distant lamp or lighted window gleamed below me. I was thankful that I could see so little. All my senses seemed to desire to veil themselves and, feeling that I was about to slip from them, I pressed the palms of my hands together and let the cool breeze to kiss my face. A smile touched my lips(I could not tell why) and at times a tickle of happiness from my heart seemed to pour itself out into the bosom. I thought little of the past and the future. A sense of how satisfied I was with life grew within me as the time passed.
        
          I always wanted myself to be independent and here I was working with a good brand. Wanted to see my parents proud of me and I had achieved that too. A phase in my life has come where I could take my own decisions and say "No" to the thing which is found were incorrect. Maybe that phase is called "ADOLESCENT'S INITIATION INTO ADULTHOOD". I have started figuring out the balance that is required to maintain the work and life. It feels like I have discovered myself and started understanding the lives of the people around me. Real life is not without problems and solutions are not always easy to find, though I have gained the perspective needed to find a positive self-image.

            At eight o'clock I heard my roommate's latchkey in the hall room. I heard her talking to herself, and when she saw me standing near the window, she came over and asked me was I ok. The tone her voice was not encouraging; she seemed to have spoken to me out of a sense of generosity. I looked humbly at the files she was holding in her hand, and murmured: "Yes, I am ok." Then I turned away slowly and walked down todays my room. I heard a voice call from the hall that the light was out because wires had been effected due to the heavy rain, and now it was completely dark. Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as an imperturbable creature; and my eyes gladdened with happiness.  

                            
          




          

DECISIONS!

Just a week ago i met a friend of mine from my city "Bareilly". We had a lovely time, sitting over a cup of coffee. Complete gossip sessions, realizing and talking of how things have all changed and how we could’ve settle down in that city anymore(for now at least). As the night grew lighter, out popped the question, "Richa, it's been almost four years since you got into a relationship, how did you manage?" I looked at her and didn’t want to deny a word of what she asked me. I didn't want to get into a Love Relationship thing ever, anyways i had to tell my story and how I met him and how ours was not a fairy tale story initially.

I don’t know how much of that she took in but she commented, "everyone back in Bareilly are mostly taking about you guys that you had not been seeing each other and things are quite a rumor ." I was wondering What is there to lie about? Why would one be ashamed to tell people that we knew each other for a long time and now someday want to settle down. And obviously, You cannot see ‘love marriages’ as a taboo anymore.

It is the 21st Century ! Many of my cousins had a love Marriage and they are quite open about it.Why would I feel the need to hide the fact I have been dating a guy for a longer time, and it's not a lie. Why can't i take a decision for my own life? I was always a very independent person. From never liking anyone bringing me a glass of water or serving me dinner. Infact for almost one year that I stayed out, i managed my own things(cooking food and washing clothes), made my own Decisions. I developed majorly with my writing and communicating skills. I grew into becoming a more confident person and most important I am financially independent.

I understand the value of money and slowly and gradually, understanding that a bag with a branded logo is of no value(as of now).

In spite of all this why wouldn't I be capable enough to take those Special Decisions of my life?